Breaking into University routine

 Classes have officially started this week. It is like a reality that suddenly filled me with uncertainties and overwhelming doubts.

It had been a horrible week this week. Trying to pick up the habit of reading. The pain in itself is trying to read between calls, messages, social media doom scrolling, chasing bills, life and missing you.

I thought I was ahead of the game until... I have reading of 167 pages that I cannot get started. Cold showers and long walks does not do it for me. Might need an Ice bath to really shock myself out of this delay.

We have both been busy. The difficulty with coordination of time is really showing up this week. Even the attempts to do what it takes to fit the timing failed badly this week. Needless to say, the longing and missing is beyond description. Part of me feels incomplete like I am missing something. Then comes the feeling that I am not needed as much as I would like to be. Thank you for answering my messages and at least I know it did matter when it came to sharing.

I am happy that you are going on with life. Not needing my support is always a good sign in itself. I know you are busy and frustrated. I wish I can do more. 

I am happy that I did do some preparation for University this week and technically the activities for this week is completed. My personal to do list got ticked off as it should be. Appointments booked. University fees paid. Insurances sorted. 

I appreciate all the support that I had this week. The calls, messages, pictures sent and the naggings as well.

I have in fact spent more time focusing on health and doing longer walks. Changes have been made and that is first baby step taken and I give credit to myself for that.

Not looking forward to work this weekend and a long busy appointments packed week ahead. However it will be the first step to get things sorted out. One step at a time.  

Not holding my breath for another week with the schedule which will make calls hard but you are always be on my mind and in my heart.

LYAF

Poisonous Love

 Have you?

Have you ever watched GL series that speaks to your heart?

Have you ever watched GL series that pulls at your heart strings so much it hurts?

Have you ever watched GL series that made your life flashback right in front of you?

Have you ever watched GL series that made you think so hard about your current situation?

That is exactly how I feel today. I waited for a whole week for Poisonous Love knowing it will be episode filled with tears. Yet I still woke up early to watch it. 

What I did not expect was the rejection scene or the non acceptance from the parents connected so strongly I saw my life just flashback in front of me. 

The pain and the tears were not just for the series but also from the pain in my life. The pain from identifying as LGBT. Having to live two lives with family who does not know even though it is pretty obvious from recent years. The pain from a very loving mother who knows nothing can change but will never fully embrace or come to full acceptance with it. 

The relationships where you loved so much but have no energy or the courage to continue because their family will not accept it. The pain from having to leave someone that you love so dearly because you want the easier path for them. 

The pain and hurt swept under the carpet resurfaces... 

But..

I have learned to accept myself. My identity as LGBTQ. My love is different but it is real. No one can tell me otherwise. I learned that this is my life. Besides family, You either accept me for who I am or you are not part of my life.

I have also learned recently that I am "Neurospicy" as my Boss says... undiagnosed yet. I am Special and Unique and that is who I am. It explains so much about my childhood... My past relationships and who I am. 

I am still learning to fully embrace the unique me but i have also learned not to tolerate non acceptance from others. 

 Today, I am thankful for my brother, the special people, my friends, family and family friends that forms the support system that I have. 

The wife who is always 100% supportive of everything I do. The appreciation is beyond words. He gave up his drama watching time to video call me to go through what I couldn't get to. I had my first Lecture from someone I love dearly!

I am thankful for the "First Love" who kept in close contact. Sharing, updating and caring even until today. There are still tears, pain, regrets and love but we have learned from it and treasure the special friendship we have. 

I still have to thank the partner... For caring, annoying, loving and sometimes not loving for the last nearly 16 years.... 

Last but not least. Thank you for all the bread crumbs you feed every now and then. The sanity pill that you will dish out right after you tip me upside down. You have me wrapped around your fingers and yet you complete my sentences. You stab right through the heart but you are my soul mate. 

I have learn not to hold my breath while losing my breath. I have learned to love not knowing when I will lose it all. Still I thank you for being the important part of my life. Where love and pain co exist as it is. Thank you for everything and I just want you to know nothing goes unnoticed. I know the efforts made are mutual.  

Poisonous love it is... Literally... But...

LYAF...

All that matters...

 Another call on another day...

I asked but you called...

Every little thing matters...

Everything is edged inside...

You know what matters to me...

It hits the threshold for me again...

Especially when you deserve better...

Some days I wish I understand you less...

It's the same unspoken words...

Some give so much comfort while others stab right through...

Your lack of self confidence...

Your lack of self worth...

Your lack of self love...

You continue to love even when it hurts...

Until you can no longer go on...

But why?

I am not perfect... Hurt was done...

But...

I never stopped trying to be better...

I never stopped loving...

I never stopped caring...

I never stopped hurting either...

Not sure where this leads to...

Anywhere if ever...

I will always be here...

Doing every thing I can...

When will we grow up as adults?

Where we have the choices we did not have as teens.

Where we have the courage that we needed.

Where we live our lives like it is the last day. 

Where love and happiness is all that matters.

Health, Happiness and love is truly all that matters.

-LYAF-

Your happiness is Mine....

Love is a feeling even when one does not belong...

The pain when you are down...

The frustration that I cannot be there...

The relief when you are just being you...

The acceptance to be poked and teased...

The happiness when you finally picked up...

Thank you for being you. 

Thank you for letting me share your ups and downs.

Thank you for the uptake of suggestions.

Thank you for letting me dry up the battery in your blue tooth.

Thank you for being there for me too.

Thank you for understanding the unspoken words.

For all the joy you bring... The inevitable pain that companies...

The deafening silence... as well as the silent comfort...

For remembering me when you need someone...

The selective listening and replies... yet the soul mate that understands...

I am sorry that I cannot be more... 

I am not physically there with you...

But...

When the going gets hard... I will always be here for you. 

You will never be alone because...

LYAF...