Poisonous Love

 Have you?

Have you ever watched GL series that speaks to your heart?

Have you ever watched GL series that pulls at your heart strings so much it hurts?

Have you ever watched GL series that made your life flashback right in front of you?

Have you ever watched GL series that made you think so hard about your current situation?

That is exactly how I feel today. I waited for a whole week for Poisonous Love knowing it will be episode filled with tears. Yet I still woke up early to watch it. 

What I did not expect was the rejection scene or the non acceptance from the parents connected so strongly I saw my life just flashback in front of me. 

The pain and the tears were not just for the series but also from the pain in my life. The pain from identifying as LGBT. Having to live two lives with family who does not know even though it is pretty obvious from recent years. The pain from a very loving mother who knows nothing can change but will never fully embrace or come to full acceptance with it. 

The relationships where you loved so much but have no energy or the courage to continue because their family will not accept it. The pain from having to leave someone that you love so dearly because you want the easier path for them. 

The pain and hurt swept under the carpet resurfaces... 

But..

I have learned to accept myself. My identity as LGBTQ. My love is different but it is real. No one can tell me otherwise. I learned that this is my life. Besides family, You either accept me for who I am or you are not part of my life.

I have also learned recently that I am "Neurospicy" as my Boss says... undiagnosed yet. I am Special and Unique and that is who I am. It explains so much about my childhood... My past relationships and who I am. 

I am still learning to fully embrace the unique me but i have also learned not to tolerate non acceptance from others. 

 Today, I am thankful for my brother, the special people, my friends, family and family friends that forms the support system that I have. 

The wife who is always 100% supportive of everything I do. The appreciation is beyond words. He gave up his drama watching time to video call me to go through what I couldn't get to. I had my first Lecture from someone I love dearly!

I am thankful for the "First Love" who kept in close contact. Sharing, updating and caring even until today. There are still tears, pain, regrets and love but we have learned from it and treasure the special friendship we have. 

I still have to thank the partner... For caring, annoying, loving and sometimes not loving for the last nearly 16 years.... 

Last but not least. Thank you for all the bread crumbs you feed every now and then. The sanity pill that you will dish out right after you tip me upside down. You have me wrapped around your fingers and yet you complete my sentences. You stab right through the heart but you are my soul mate. 

I have learn not to hold my breath while losing my breath. I have learned to love not knowing when I will lose it all. Still I thank you for being the important part of my life. Where love and pain co exist as it is. Thank you for everything and I just want you to know nothing goes unnoticed. I know the efforts made are mutual.  

Poisonous love it is... Literally... But...

LYAF...