Struggles of ADHD

 Had a non productive day yesterday despite a never ending to do list.

Part of it came from missing you. A percentage so large that I hate to admit. I appreciate the uploading of pictures of your holidays on Instagram even though I doubt it is for me but seeing your duplicate reassures me that that you are safe and happy.

I had a very big fortnight with studying and I have spent additional time and effort as a mature student and undiagnosed ADHD on top of life, work, health and chronic insufficient sleep. As a combination, it had proven to be very damaging and my brains asked for a break yesterday. Still insufficient sleep but I did take a break from studying and did minimum administration work. Had my one hour walk without listening to lectures but the sharing from partner during the walk was actually refreshing!

I have learned that I need to undo my schedule planning skills for optimum performance moving forward. 

I have to plan decently and undo my planning of convenience when I like to plan my runs back to back. It is not just an ADHD thing but I am still learning to respect life and allow myself to live my life as I should.  

As much as I need to do well doing psychology, my current mental and physical health should remain the top priority. Reminder to self not to cancel medical appointments again. 

Living is being Healthy and being Healthy is Living!

Back to being productive now after a short unplanned mental break. Again to put that into perspective for non neurodivergent people, it does not mean that the brains stops spinning but it means ignoring the spin, not acting on it and being in paralysis type of mode. And trying not to feel guilty about it. Neurodivergent people will know exactly what I'm talking about. 

Till then.

-LYAF-

Just another day

 Completed the first 2 test out of multiple to come and did well for one and not so well for the other.

It was not ill preparation as I studies really hard for it but brain was blocked from getting upset. The attitude I did not deserve from one that I have done everything I can for. All I was hoping for was support and instead of getting any, I got an attitude I did not deserve. 

Lesson learned. Love yourself before you love others. Do not expect what you have done for others to be returned. I will have to manage my emotions better before attempting anything official. 

Feeling Jaded and thinking twice about this psychology journey but will continue to hang in there and do what I can.

On the other hand, the silence prevails and the questions in the head surfaces again. Does one treasure the time and process as part of our life journey? Or is it time to pull back and hold back once again?

Yes! Love is Love. 3 simple words and a basic logic that does not reflect real life and challenges. The undeniable connection. The deepest love. Comfort in presence. Yet. The second best. The deafening silence. The uncontrollable pain. It is all too confusing and contradicting. 

There is no time to sulk and think which I am thankful for. Multiple Appointments and Assignments to fill the gap this fortnight and probably for awhile. Only the silent ache remains till it no longer holds.

Till then.

-LYAF-

Vivid Dreams

 The deafening silence persists as schedules continues to build up.

Is it the unconscious mind at work when they say you dream of what you think of a lot in the day?

Is it the late night study of Sternberg's triangle of love concept of intimacy, passion and commitment at play? 

There is a saying that your dream is not a reflection of reality.

I do not wish to agree or disagree with any of the above concept. Admission causes pain either way.

A vivid dream that almost feels like a real reflection of the thoughts played out. It was almost like I was revising the Sternberg's concept. It was a longing that played well to the script. 

The happiness that came from the courage to be truly oneself. To spend time doing normal things but passionate together. The little one that is part of the commitment plan. The intimacy that stems from love. The simplicity of love that takes too much courage to fight for in reality. 

Then the rude awakening with a splitting headache to the shock of reality. 

Happiness should come from within and the concept stands when it stays within the heart and the mind. 

I am unsure when I will ever truly wake up from this dream and if I ever will. All I can wish for is health and happiness from within.

-LYAF-