The silence broke

The silence finally broke after what felt like months.

The long awaited call or contact that one had been longing for.

Thank you for thinking of me when you need someone.

Thank you for at least trusting that I still care despite the silence. 

Not sure if I have done the right thing but even if it may not seem so, I am really behind you 1000% but knowing you are falling prey and indulging it blindly was beyond what I should be doing. 

I stayed silent because I felt like that was what you needed and I respected it but seeing things go wrong for you made me question if that was what I should have done. To hang on and support you even when you don't want it. 

As a matter of fact, while you were the one getting scammed, it was hurting me more than it was hurting you. I know where you were coming from and I know how you feel but what can I say than to keep silent and just being around. I don't have a say or a better position to be at this stage. I hate that you had to explain anything but appreciate that you wanted to because it shows you care. That is what makes it all so special and hard at the same time. The connection that should not be is so strong that it does not need words. I wish that I treasured you when I had you, is the constant regret I have to live with.  

As much as this seem like a post with negative connotation, there is actually a deep appreciation for the comfort and peace that contact brought to my life more than what I would like to admit.  

While dealing with unknown at work, misalignment with work expectations, and exam, the silent was getting unbearable but my self comfort was that all was well. Or at least I assumed. While you transitioned into the next stage of your life, I was giving you the space I thought you needed. Again I am not sure where to go from here but one thing I am sure of... I am always here....

-LYAF-

A refreshing awakening from ADHD

 While I always suspected that I have ADHD since young, the certainty came with work experience in the Healthcare industry.

After a long struggle dealing with it on my own... Heavy smoking, Heavy coffee drinking and it was 3times of double shots and twice a day, multiple sleepless nights from a brain that just would not stop. I finally called it quits at 43 years young.

That brought about the next lot of struggles. The search for a private psychiatrist that will take a new adult ADHD patient proved to be a challenge. From asking for up to $2500 for an earlier first appointment to another few months of misery or ones that declined picking up a new patient.

I finally found one who will readily fit me in with a decent waiting time. However, I was basically taken for a run for my money. Again coming from healthcare background, I had all my bloods, test, comprehensive online test and medical history all ready on the first consult. Only to be given an outdated version of the test that I have already done to be returned on the next consult. Then had additional diagnosis which I know does not fit added on to solicitate in a third consult. During the unjustified consult where we barely had 5 mins unrelated conversation, the medication was ordered in a small amount only for the script to be filled again in the next consult in a week. I am currently living in Sydney Australia. I will leave you to do the Math.

All things considered, I have finally started the stimulant for 2 days now. Was it worth the run to the city and the resulting damage to the pocket? DEFINITELY! It beats me how a stimulant works for the brains that is already overstimulated to give clarity! VOILA.... Absolute silence and serenity with a focus that suddenly lost all intrusive thoughts and  resulting multiple side quest. Short lived as it may be but I am still working out my dosage.

I am smoking less, one coffee a day, still a struggle to sleep but assignments are to be blamed for that. Though it may be short lived. It was enough to bring me across the line, finishing up 2 assignments that is overdue but still within extension. Suddenly, there was no reason for procrastination because the focus is as clear as it can be. Is this how a normal human feels? How have I survived all these decades is beyond me. 

If you are struggling with ADHD symptoms, I will definitely advise seeking treatment as soon as you can. Again I thank my crazy self for holding on and managing a life despite the internal mess that I was in.

In saying that, the new clarity in the head brought no clarity to the heart. The intense ache remains as the silence continues. It begs the question if I was reading all the signs wrongly? Is this a quiet exit or it was never there to start with. It matters but does it really matter? As long as you are well, I will continue to thread lightly in the background but love intensely within. 

Till then.

-LYAF- 

Goodbye 2025 and Hello 2026

 I am not even sure where to start...

It's the first week of 2026.

It had been so eventful but in a good way.

I had my car screwed by a shop (AGAIN) then managed to get it looked at and passed by someone else. Message to self again.... TRUST MY INSTINCT! Would have saved so much time... and money...

Scrapped through the long fortnight of full time hours with work, hardly had time for anything... feeling under the weather... But I made it!

The Furkid has a minor surgery but multiple things done... Dental, Bloods, removal of cyst, "circumcision", and trimming of all his quick. He went freshly groomed and came home with poo all over. The rest is self explanatory... I am Glad I grabbed a towel to go pick him up. Not sure why I did but I am glad... I feel the pain for him and my pocket. Well... I am just happy the little yapper is back home alive and I have the finances to put us through this pain.

In the midst of all these madness between the untreated ADHD, Life, Work and missing you quietly in the background... I managed to almost finalise one assignment out of 4. 

Life continues this week... a new year and a new beginning... all with the exception of the matters of the heart... it just remains status quo buried deep down... Will keep going with this assignment due in a week's time. 

I thank God for every everything in my life. Big and small blessings. the messages, social media updates and just being in my life... Even the Thai GL drought came at a good time. LOL... Amen.

Till then...

-LYAF-

Struggles of ADHD

 Had a non productive day yesterday despite a never ending to do list.

Part of it came from missing you. A percentage so large that I hate to admit. I appreciate the uploading of pictures of your holidays on Instagram even though I doubt it is for me but seeing your duplicate reassures me that that you are safe and happy.

I had a very big fortnight with studying and I have spent additional time and effort as a mature student and undiagnosed ADHD on top of life, work, health and chronic insufficient sleep. As a combination, it had proven to be very damaging and my brains asked for a break yesterday. Still insufficient sleep but I did take a break from studying and did minimum administration work. Had my one hour walk without listening to lectures but the sharing from partner during the walk was actually refreshing!

I have learned that I need to undo my schedule planning skills for optimum performance moving forward. 

I have to plan decently and undo my planning of convenience when I like to plan my runs back to back. It is not just an ADHD thing but I am still learning to respect life and allow myself to live my life as I should.  

As much as I need to do well doing psychology, my current mental and physical health should remain the top priority. Reminder to self not to cancel medical appointments again. 

Living is being Healthy and being Healthy is Living!

Back to being productive now after a short unplanned mental break. Again to put that into perspective for non neurodivergent people, it does not mean that the brains stops spinning but it means ignoring the spin, not acting on it and being in paralysis type of mode. And trying not to feel guilty about it. Neurodivergent people will know exactly what I'm talking about. 

Till then.

-LYAF-

Just another day

 Completed the first 2 test out of multiple to come and did well for one and not so well for the other.

It was not ill preparation as I studies really hard for it but brain was blocked from getting upset. The attitude I did not deserve from one that I have done everything I can for. All I was hoping for was support and instead of getting any, I got an attitude I did not deserve. 

Lesson learned. Love yourself before you love others. Do not expect what you have done for others to be returned. I will have to manage my emotions better before attempting anything official. 

Feeling Jaded and thinking twice about this psychology journey but will continue to hang in there and do what I can.

On the other hand, the silence prevails and the questions in the head surfaces again. Does one treasure the time and process as part of our life journey? Or is it time to pull back and hold back once again?

Yes! Love is Love. 3 simple words and a basic logic that does not reflect real life and challenges. The undeniable connection. The deepest love. Comfort in presence. Yet. The second best. The deafening silence. The uncontrollable pain. It is all too confusing and contradicting. 

There is no time to sulk and think which I am thankful for. Multiple Appointments and Assignments to fill the gap this fortnight and probably for awhile. Only the silent ache remains till it no longer holds.

Till then.

-LYAF-

Vivid Dreams

 The deafening silence persists as schedules continues to build up.

Is it the unconscious mind at work when they say you dream of what you think of a lot in the day?

Is it the late night study of Sternberg's triangle of love concept of intimacy, passion and commitment at play? 

There is a saying that your dream is not a reflection of reality.

I do not wish to agree or disagree with any of the above concept. Admission causes pain either way.

A vivid dream that almost feels like a real reflection of the thoughts played out. It was almost like I was revising the Sternberg's concept. It was a longing that played well to the script. 

The happiness that came from the courage to be truly oneself. To spend time doing normal things but passionate together. The little one that is part of the commitment plan. The intimacy that stems from love. The simplicity of love that takes too much courage to fight for in reality. 

Then the rude awakening with a splitting headache to the shock of reality. 

Happiness should come from within and the concept stands when it stays within the heart and the mind. 

I am unsure when I will ever truly wake up from this dream and if I ever will. All I can wish for is health and happiness from within.

-LYAF-

Breaking into University routine

 Classes have officially started this week. It is like a reality that suddenly filled me with uncertainties and overwhelming doubts.

It had been a horrible week this week. Trying to pick up the habit of reading. The pain in itself is trying to read between calls, messages, social media doom scrolling, chasing bills, life and missing you.

I thought I was ahead of the game until... I have reading of 167 pages that I cannot get started. Cold showers and long walks does not do it for me. Might need an Ice bath to really shock myself out of this delay.

We have both been busy. The difficulty with coordination of time is really showing up this week. Even the attempts to do what it takes to fit the timing failed badly this week. Needless to say, the longing and missing is beyond description. Part of me feels incomplete like I am missing something. Then comes the feeling that I am not needed as much as I would like to be. Thank you for answering my messages and at least I know it did matter when it came to sharing.

I am happy that you are going on with life. Not needing my support is always a good sign in itself. I know you are busy and frustrated. I wish I can do more. 

I am happy that I did do some preparation for University this week and technically the activities for this week is completed. My personal to do list got ticked off as it should be. Appointments booked. University fees paid. Insurances sorted. 

I appreciate all the support that I had this week. The calls, messages, pictures sent and the naggings as well.

I have in fact spent more time focusing on health and doing longer walks. Changes have been made and that is first baby step taken and I give credit to myself for that.

Not looking forward to work this weekend and a long busy appointments packed week ahead. However it will be the first step to get things sorted out. One step at a time.  

Not holding my breath for another week with the schedule which will make calls hard but you are always be on my mind and in my heart.

LYAF