Struggles of ADHD

 Had a non productive day yesterday despite a never ending to do list.

Part of it came from missing you. A percentage so large that I hate to admit. I appreciate the uploading of pictures of your holidays on Instagram even though I doubt it is for me but seeing your duplicate reassures me that that you are safe and happy.

I had a very big fortnight with studying and I have spent additional time and effort as a mature student and undiagnosed ADHD on top of life, work, health and chronic insufficient sleep. As a combination, it had proven to be very damaging and my brains asked for a break yesterday. Still insufficient sleep but I did take a break from studying and did minimum administration work. Had my one hour walk without listening to lectures but the sharing from partner during the walk was actually refreshing!

I have learned that I need to undo my schedule planning skills for optimum performance moving forward. 

I have to plan decently and undo my planning of convenience when I like to plan my runs back to back. It is not just an ADHD thing but I am still learning to respect life and allow myself to live my life as I should.  

As much as I need to do well doing psychology, my current mental and physical health should remain the top priority. Reminder to self not to cancel medical appointments again. 

Living is being Healthy and being Healthy is Living!

Back to being productive now after a short unplanned mental break. Again to put that into perspective for non neurodivergent people, it does not mean that the brains stops spinning but it means ignoring the spin, not acting on it and being in paralysis type of mode. And trying not to feel guilty about it. Neurodivergent people will know exactly what I'm talking about. 

Till then.

-LYAF-

Just another day

 Completed the first 2 test out of multiple to come and did well for one and not so well for the other.

It was not ill preparation as I studies really hard for it but brain was blocked from getting upset. The attitude I did not deserve from one that I have done everything I can for. All I was hoping for was support and instead of getting any, I got an attitude I did not deserve. 

Lesson learned. Love yourself before you love others. Do not expect what you have done for others to be returned. I will have to manage my emotions better before attempting anything official. 

Feeling Jaded and thinking twice about this psychology journey but will continue to hang in there and do what I can.

On the other hand, the silence prevails and the questions in the head surfaces again. Does one treasure the time and process as part of our life journey? Or is it time to pull back and hold back once again?

Yes! Love is Love. 3 simple words and a basic logic that does not reflect real life and challenges. The undeniable connection. The deepest love. Comfort in presence. Yet. The second best. The deafening silence. The uncontrollable pain. It is all too confusing and contradicting. 

There is no time to sulk and think which I am thankful for. Multiple Appointments and Assignments to fill the gap this fortnight and probably for awhile. Only the silent ache remains till it no longer holds.

Till then.

-LYAF-

Vivid Dreams

 The deafening silence persists as schedules continues to build up.

Is it the unconscious mind at work when they say you dream of what you think of a lot in the day?

Is it the late night study of Sternberg's triangle of love concept of intimacy, passion and commitment at play? 

There is a saying that your dream is not a reflection of reality.

I do not wish to agree or disagree with any of the above concept. Admission causes pain either way.

A vivid dream that almost feels like a real reflection of the thoughts played out. It was almost like I was revising the Sternberg's concept. It was a longing that played well to the script. 

The happiness that came from the courage to be truly oneself. To spend time doing normal things but passionate together. The little one that is part of the commitment plan. The intimacy that stems from love. The simplicity of love that takes too much courage to fight for in reality. 

Then the rude awakening with a splitting headache to the shock of reality. 

Happiness should come from within and the concept stands when it stays within the heart and the mind. 

I am unsure when I will ever truly wake up from this dream and if I ever will. All I can wish for is health and happiness from within.

-LYAF-

Breaking into University routine

 Classes have officially started this week. It is like a reality that suddenly filled me with uncertainties and overwhelming doubts.

It had been a horrible week this week. Trying to pick up the habit of reading. The pain in itself is trying to read between calls, messages, social media doom scrolling, chasing bills, life and missing you.

I thought I was ahead of the game until... I have reading of 167 pages that I cannot get started. Cold showers and long walks does not do it for me. Might need an Ice bath to really shock myself out of this delay.

We have both been busy. The difficulty with coordination of time is really showing up this week. Even the attempts to do what it takes to fit the timing failed badly this week. Needless to say, the longing and missing is beyond description. Part of me feels incomplete like I am missing something. Then comes the feeling that I am not needed as much as I would like to be. Thank you for answering my messages and at least I know it did matter when it came to sharing.

I am happy that you are going on with life. Not needing my support is always a good sign in itself. I know you are busy and frustrated. I wish I can do more. 

I am happy that I did do some preparation for University this week and technically the activities for this week is completed. My personal to do list got ticked off as it should be. Appointments booked. University fees paid. Insurances sorted. 

I appreciate all the support that I had this week. The calls, messages, pictures sent and the naggings as well.

I have in fact spent more time focusing on health and doing longer walks. Changes have been made and that is first baby step taken and I give credit to myself for that.

Not looking forward to work this weekend and a long busy appointments packed week ahead. However it will be the first step to get things sorted out. One step at a time.  

Not holding my breath for another week with the schedule which will make calls hard but you are always be on my mind and in my heart.

LYAF

Poisonous Love

 Have you?

Have you ever watched GL series that speaks to your heart?

Have you ever watched GL series that pulls at your heart strings so much it hurts?

Have you ever watched GL series that made your life flashback right in front of you?

Have you ever watched GL series that made you think so hard about your current situation?

That is exactly how I feel today. I waited for a whole week for Poisonous Love knowing it will be episode filled with tears. Yet I still woke up early to watch it. 

What I did not expect was the rejection scene or the non acceptance from the parents connected so strongly I saw my life just flashback in front of me. 

The pain and the tears were not just for the series but also from the pain in my life. The pain from identifying as LGBT. Having to live two lives with family who does not know even though it is pretty obvious from recent years. The pain from a very loving mother who knows nothing can change but will never fully embrace or come to full acceptance with it. 

The relationships where you loved so much but have no energy or the courage to continue because their family will not accept it. The pain from having to leave someone that you love so dearly because you want the easier path for them. 

The pain and hurt swept under the carpet resurfaces... 

But..

I have learned to accept myself. My identity as LGBTQ. My love is different but it is real. No one can tell me otherwise. I learned that this is my life. Besides family, You either accept me for who I am or you are not part of my life.

I have also learned recently that I am "Neurospicy" as my Boss says... undiagnosed yet. I am Special and Unique and that is who I am. It explains so much about my childhood... My past relationships and who I am. 

I am still learning to fully embrace the unique me but i have also learned not to tolerate non acceptance from others. 

 Today, I am thankful for my brother, the special people, my friends, family and family friends that forms the support system that I have. 

The wife who is always 100% supportive of everything I do. The appreciation is beyond words. He gave up his drama watching time to video call me to go through what I couldn't get to. I had my first Lecture from someone I love dearly!

I am thankful for the "First Love" who kept in close contact. Sharing, updating and caring even until today. There are still tears, pain, regrets and love but we have learned from it and treasure the special friendship we have. 

I still have to thank the partner... For caring, annoying, loving and sometimes not loving for the last nearly 16 years.... 

Last but not least. Thank you for all the bread crumbs you feed every now and then. The sanity pill that you will dish out right after you tip me upside down. You have me wrapped around your fingers and yet you complete my sentences. You stab right through the heart but you are my soul mate. 

I have learn not to hold my breath while losing my breath. I have learned to love not knowing when I will lose it all. Still I thank you for being the important part of my life. Where love and pain co exist as it is. Thank you for everything and I just want you to know nothing goes unnoticed. I know the efforts made are mutual.  

Poisonous love it is... Literally... But...

LYAF...

All that matters...

 Another call on another day...

I asked but you called...

Every little thing matters...

Everything is edged inside...

You know what matters to me...

It hits the threshold for me again...

Especially when you deserve better...

Some days I wish I understand you less...

It's the same unspoken words...

Some give so much comfort while others stab right through...

Your lack of self confidence...

Your lack of self worth...

Your lack of self love...

You continue to love even when it hurts...

Until you can no longer go on...

But why?

I am not perfect... Hurt was done...

But...

I never stopped trying to be better...

I never stopped loving...

I never stopped caring...

I never stopped hurting either...

Not sure where this leads to...

Anywhere if ever...

I will always be here...

Doing every thing I can...

When will we grow up as adults?

Where we have the choices we did not have as teens.

Where we have the courage that we needed.

Where we live our lives like it is the last day. 

Where love and happiness is all that matters.

Health, Happiness and love is truly all that matters.

-LYAF-

Your happiness is Mine....

Love is a feeling even when one does not belong...

The pain when you are down...

The frustration that I cannot be there...

The relief when you are just being you...

The acceptance to be poked and teased...

The happiness when you finally picked up...

Thank you for being you. 

Thank you for letting me share your ups and downs.

Thank you for the uptake of suggestions.

Thank you for letting me dry up the battery in your blue tooth.

Thank you for being there for me too.

Thank you for understanding the unspoken words.

For all the joy you bring... The inevitable pain that companies...

The deafening silence... as well as the silent comfort...

For remembering me when you need someone...

The selective listening and replies... yet the soul mate that understands...

I am sorry that I cannot be more... 

I am not physically there with you...

But...

When the going gets hard... I will always be here for you. 

You will never be alone because...

LYAF...

New Sparks 12/10/2025

 A graduation that I am so proud of albeit not my own...

A push from you....

It sent Sparks and fireballs in my dark dull world.

I remembered my dreams and ambitions. Egging me like it is a purpose in life...

I started my Treacherous journey of applications... Research.... Emails... Multiple calls and reading... Offer letters and acceptance of offer.... Mandatory unmarked modules.... Student pack delivery... Accessing the Library...

I have taken my baby steps to this long journey like an Awakening...

The messages that constantly comforts and keeps me sane pushed my boundaries and today I started reading my first textbook.

This is the first book I am reading or really enjoy reading that I can recall. It speaks like a muscle memory of my knowledge and experience but nicely worded and terms coined.

Said my prayers today like I'm practicing an essay. Felt the Divine interventions and assurance it is what I am meant to be doing. 

Reading continues... this unknown virus health scare and management continues in the background...

Till the next update...